It’s sanni-licious

you want to say out LOUD but don´t have the heart to…

Say it.
Just say it.
Don´t swallow…
Come on… swear like a trooper!
I know you want to.
You know you want to.
So do I.

P.M. again!
Stop telling me personal details I don´t wanna know about you.
Just because you’re on doesn’t mean you don’t shower. Pig. Wash your fucking hair because I can smell it twenty feet away. Burnt tofu is not a good smell, and that’s what you smell like right now. Soap. Read about it. Use it.

My eyes…
Oh my ever-lovin’ God! Lady… are you nuts? I know this is a locker room and such… but are you seriously walking around here completely naked with nothing but Sport shoes on?
Gross.
And not only are you prancing around naked, with your pale white ass blinding the hell out of me, but you’re anorexic at best… seriously… I can see your organs. The last place you need to be right now is the gym.
*Ew* Put some clothes on, would ya… Christ!

Bartender @Peppino Bar
Anybody got some Altoids? Your breath smells like wet dog and vinegar. Stop talking to me right now. I mean it.. quit it and go suck down a pack of tic-tacs or something… Jesus! Unbelievable you told us every gastronome is a problem drinker… and you told us HOW you tasted our cocktails with your malicious tongue before serving them. That´s just about the limit! I still want to throw up in a second!

Shut UP, Weather Man!
Oh, it’s cold outside? Really? And, I’m supposed to be surprised about that because it’s fucking NOVEMBER and it’s always freezing cold in this area of the country in November? Dickwads.
People, it’s winter. And in Germany it’s ALWAYS UNDER 10 DEGREES IN NOVEMBER.
ALWAYS.
Seriously, it’s always fucking cold and fucking humid. ALL THE TIME in November. EVERY YEAR. In Germany. Which is where you are reporting this “news” like it’s the fucking Second Coming.
Why is this news?
Stop it. Just stop it.

Subway´s
Oh for Christ’s sake! No you did not just stand in this line in-front of me for 20 minutes, get to the front and you STILL don’t know what you’re gonna order? Give me a freakin’ break! You’re ridiculous. Stop staring at the god-damn menu and saying the word “um”… you should have been doing that 8 people ago. Just get out of my way, would ya? I knew what I wanted before I even got here. And get off your cell phone while you’re ordering. That’s just rude and clearly you’re pissing the guy off… I hope he spits in your food.
Bitch.

Change the sign, trucker!
I know what you’re thinking: “Eighty isn’t slow. That Slow Traffic Keep Right sign can’t be for me.”
The problem is that the car in your mirror (mine) is doing 120.
Maybe the sign would be effective if it read “If The Car Behind You Fills Your Mirrors, Move The Fuck Over!”

Illitera(xXx)y and YOU
Are you fucking kidding me? It’s not eXpresso. Please tell me where you see the letter “X” anywhere in that word. Idiot.
Oh, and P.S.: 1984 called. They want their leggings and comic-shirts back.

Hole of an ASS
You, sir, are an asshole. You’re officially on my shit-list… you and your futurity-specs…
If you try THIS again I’m going to kick your short, bald, fat little ass so hard that you’ll be shitting out my shoe for a week. Seriously. For real… you’ve pissed me off.

Driver´s license
I guess you won your´s in a lottery. Give it back! You will never learn how to drive… because I´m sure this is too much to handle for your tiny little brain, fuckface…
Jesus may save and God may be your co-pilot, but if I ever see you on the road again, cutting people off like you did us, I will nail you to your own cross, I swear.
Oh, and you know… nice way to pick your nose at that red light, look at it, and then slide your finger into your mouth. Don’t think I didn’t see that. Asshole.

*Phew* The internal freak magnet hidden in my body somewhere is still there… I really need to cut it of!


Smoothies to all the others,

And now…
… our moment of Homer J.:

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

you want to say out LOUD but don´t have the heart to…

Say it.
Just say it.
Don´t swallow…
Come on… swear like a trooper!
I know you want to.
You know you want to.
So do I.

You know what, Björn?
You might want to spend a little less time on the highlights and a little more time on some etiquette lessons. Just a little advice, me to you.

Mrs P.M.
You freaking STINK!! Have you not heard about deodorant? I can´t freaking believe I have to sit next to your patchouli armpit stink for 2 hours! A little less hairspray, a lot more having a shower, a bit more deodorant - that´s it!

Starbuck´s Barista @ “Benrather Karee”
Back in the day, when you bought something, you got change back and a “Thank you.” Now the cashier gives you change and your package and says either nothing or “here ya go.”

What do you mean “here ya go”? Don’t you mean “Thanks”? I just gave you my f..king money, Shithead. Say “thank you!”


Taxi-driver! Stop joking about black people!
You are not funny. You think you are, but you aren’t. In fact, I think you might just be a racist. I’m not sure, but I’m leaning toward that possibility. Yeah, you probably are, you old sack of shit.

Lady, check yourself
Bitch, let me tell you something. If I ever see your 55-year-old-but-wearing-a-camisole ass out again, I will bring scissors and cut your hair, and I will start smoking just so I can burn a hole in your fake leather jacket from C&A. You don’t dance. You flail. Your arm connected with my face twice that evening. That’s why you were escorted from the building. You are a drunk. You just need to learn about personal space. Oh, and you should also learn that once you turn the big 5-0, you don’t get to celebrate weekend in a club. Trust me, no one wants to see that. Oh, you’re single? That’s a big surprise.

Time to buy a pellet gun
Of all the cars on the motor-way you had to shit on mine. Thanks. F..king bird.

Supermarket -> shopping last Monday
Did you hear about this brand new invention? It’s called Kleenex. Learn about it!
Oh my freakin’ God, blow your goddamn nose. Stop horking it up inside your head with a grunt and a mumble. Stop the snorting. STOP IT. Excuse yourself, go to the restroom and blow your fu..ing nose, you sick f..k. You are making me want to vomit. Trash bum. Blow YOUR NOSE!!!!

No soup for you
You’ve been standing in front of me in this stupid slow-ass line for the past 15 minutes. Then you get to the counter and you don’t know what you want to order? Are you f..king kidding me?!? What did you think you were waiting in line for?

Oh, and now you’re fishing around looking for money…perfect. Yes, having to pay for your burger is a big, big surprise…. Girl, they really caught you off guard with that one…

No way dude
Dude… have you heard this song by TLC?

I don’t want no scrubs
A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me
Hangin’ out the passenger side
Of his best friend’s ride
Tryin’ to holla at me

*Uhhh* yeah dick-head… this applies to you. What makes you think it´s okay to pull your car over on the side of the road in the middle of a busy street and shout at me out your window “Yo, excuse me… are you alone?” What… the f..k. Like I´m really gonna say, “Oh yes, I am alone at this moment… on a way to a good old friend of mine. Got a loving family at home… but you know what: Let´s forget about this facts. I am alone. Why don’t you come join me? Or better yet, it´s 8:00 pm and dark out… why don´t I just come get in your car so you can take me off to the woods, rape me and then chop my body up into little pieces?” Jack-ass.

Can´t a girl just stop at a petrol station an dbuy some fags without being hit on, whistled at, cat-called, and/or stared-down by every heterosexual male with a hard dick? Jesus! And that includes you… Mr. 4′8″ Hispanic man who is trying to holla at me in spanish. You´re a freaking dwarf! You´ve got game and a lot of courage in that little body of yours, I´ll give you that… but that´s about it.

Mirror mirror on the wall
Starbuck´s again: To the girl sitting three tables away from me — please go out and buy shirts that are longer in the back, or maybe jeans that have a higher rise. Not only did I not need to see your ass crack, I also never needed to see hair in and around your general assular area. I have made an appointment with my optometrist for an eye transplant surgery to happen as soon as possible. Seriously, I mean what the hell is wrong with you?!

*Phew* Feeling much better now… I swear… I have an internal freak magnet hidden in my body somewhere and I need to get it out. Now!


Smoothies to all the others,