It’s a lazy Sunday morning, nothing going on here.
Since I’m not catholic I can’t can’t confess. So I’m going to post a few confessions I stumbled upon while surfing the web.
James Bond, Fireman
“When I was a child - maybe I was about 9 or 10 years old, there was a fire round the back of my mates house. We were cheeky little kids, but we were a little bit in awe of real firemen, so we went up to them and asked for their autographs. When we handed the scrap of paper to the third fireman, I noticed a smirk on his face, so I examined the signatures. Apparently the fire had been put out by Mickey Mouse, James Bond and some other fictional character I no longer recall.
At first I was a bit upset about being duped. I felt like getting my own back on them.
But then I realised, I already had. After all, it was us that started the fire.”
Piggy Bank
“Yesterday while I was boosted, I peed into my savings box.”
Clothes in knots
“back when i was in middle school, i had this stage where i would tie strangers clothes in knots. yeah, isn’t that great?
so for example, when i was at the YMCA or the public pool, i would wander into the locker rooms, look for an unlocked locker and take out the socks, underwear, pants, whatever, and put square knots in them. i never took anything (because that is stealing and that is wrong) but did leave people’s clothes all tied up.
i think i did it because there was something funny about it to me. obviously, when those folks came to get their clothes, they probably didn’t find anything funny about it. in fact, as i have been writing this, i think back on it and laugh a little.
so to all those people out there in freeport, illinois who found their clothes tied up in knots 20 years ago, i am sorry. i shouldn’t have done that.”
So now I pee for him
“My wife and I discovered a large amount of Marijuana in our son’s room. We confronted him about it and grounded him.
I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with smoking pot now and then, but my wife has always put it up there with rape and murder. She insisted that we randomly drug test our son, which we have been doing for about six months now.
My job is to wake my son up early on ‘test mornings’ to collect his sample. My wife insists I watch him while he pees into this little plastic cup.
After one failed test, I decided enough is enough. Now, whenever my wife makes me go collect my son’s urine, I simply wake him up and tell him he is getting tested and then go pee in the cup for him. My wife then has MY urine tested and later praises my son for staying clean.
Sadly, I feel no remorse for lying to my wife about this, only that my son is aware of the lies.”
Nice T!ts
“I was on iChat with a coworker. We were working out the last details for a presentation we have tomorrow. The whole ‘web-cam, iChat’ thing is a new concept for me.
I was busily typing some notes we just discussed and it had been a while since we had said anything to each other. Just then my wife walked in to tell me that she was going to bed - she was completely naked. She said that if I would get off of the computer, she would get me off in bed.
Suddenly, over the speakers, my coworker blurted, ‘Oh my God!’
I swear that I had completely forgotten about the camera being on. My wife thinks I set her up. I honest did not.
I didn’t help when Brent said, ‘Nice tits, Amanda. (She and Brent know each other).
I can only imagine what will be said at the office tomorrow.”
Here Boy
“My wife is away on a business trip.
I keep a very small stash of pop just for occasions like this. Earlier this evening, after I got home for work, I smoked a small bowl and took my door for a walk. I went through the park and adjoining school yard, around the entire neighborhood. I stopped to chat with a few neighbors and get a bag of chips at the corner 7-11.
I got home and settled in front of the TV and called for Conner (the dog). Conner did not come. I called a few more times and it finally hit me - I didn’t bring him back home! I left home with him, and I was pretty sure he was with me up to the point that I went into the 7-11, at which point I vaguely recalled looping his leash on the bike rack outside.
In a panic, I ran outside and tripped right over him - he was laying down on the welcome mat at our front door.
I confess that at age 53, it is time for me to stop smoking weed.”
Congratulations
“The police caught me and my girlfriend having sex in the park. They arrested us and informed my parents. My mum freaked out and my dad congratulated.”
Ugly
“I love my wife but I think she’s f*cking ugly”
And now…
… our moment of Homer J.:
Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there’s five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn’t talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.
Sanni
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