Ask The Coffee-Auntie!
(today featuring:
Evil Blogger Twin)
Dear Coffie Auntie,
I had to buy my Glenfiddich at the Fruchtunion grocery store last week. The chick at the checkout counter asked if I wanted paper or plastic. I froze and didn’t know what to say. How should I have responded?
–> Stumped in DU
Dear Stumped,
This is a very good question as most Glenfiddich is not purchased in grocery stores, unless it’s Interfood Ltd next to the abandoned depot. The answer is simple; would you really want to put something as tasty, true, and pure into something as artificial as a plastic bag? Of course not, be genuine, use paper.
Dear Coffee Auntie,
I am a novice Glen drinker. I am not certain as to which flavor of Glen goes with what dishes. Any suggestions?
–> Culinary Chaos in Dayton
Dear Chaos,
The great thing about Glen is that it is such a versatile vino. It goes with anything and everything. I really like the Special Reserve when I am serving hot dogs, frozen pizza, or loosemeat sandwiches. The Solera Reserve goes well with chicken nuggets, and really shines when complimenting fried SPAM. If you’re having one of your ladies over, I suggest a combination of oysters and Ancient Reserve with Ginseng. The oysters get her motor running and the Ginseng will help you keep it running. NOTE: Unless you like having colorful stool, there is no good reason to drink the Grape.
Dear Coffee Auntie,
A lot of my friends drink Glen and they LOVE it. I don’t get what all the excitement is about. What’s the big deal?
–> Bewildered in Brookville
Dear Bewildered,
I could go on and on about the bouquet, the fruity taste, and the clean, crisp finish; however, it’s much more than that. At € 7,05 a fifth and 40% alcohol, it’s like an inexpensive, liquid version of crack.
Dear Coffee-Auntie!
Today, I am worse of again. Up to now, everything went wrong. I am in need to fullfill a contract, but my brandnew harddisk is f#*ked up. Every attempt to overhaul the little bag of shit failed. Momentary I use the old one to get in touch with you. So many things to do, so little time. Time is running, deadline coming. Headache as well.
–> frustrated Missy S.
P.S.: Could you please tell my good old friends Mr C and Mrs S I´m not able to use the google talk tool at present cause it is not installed on the old harddisk? Not enough space. But I am still in here… Thanks!
Dear Missy S!
There is only one loophole for you. The harddisk seems to be beyond repair. Spend a lot of mullah for a new harddisk, install the whole shit new. Afterwards fill a huge glass with Glen, raise it and celebrate your new harddisk. Loore another glass of Glen and lurch to bed. Stand up early in the morning and work beastlike to fullfill your target specification.
Dear Coffee Auntie,
My wife has told me that unless I stop drinking Glen and get a job, she is going to leave me. She’s really a nag, and I love Wild Irish Rose. Help Me Out!!!
–> Married and Drunk in NE
Dear MD,
Just tell her that it was the consumption of Glen that prompted you to ask her to marry you, so it’s only fitting that the Glen be the demise of your marriage. Try that and let the chips fall where they may.
That’s all the advice for today. Remember, a cheap buzz is only a fifth of Glen away.
Cheers,
And now…
… our moment of Homer J.:
Homer: [drunk] “Look, the thing about my family is there’s five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn’t talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.”
{Ed. note: “Need advice” is a hijacked Bagwine-Story… fitted to C2go. Kudos to Matt! Thx for inspiration}
The Evil Blogger Twin
Are you addicted to caffeine...?
Dear Empress,
By replacing the H2O supply with Glen would enable you to take control of the world as everyone would be much too buzzed to raise a hand against you, or would actually dig it.
Enjoy your domination!
October 18th, 2006 at 3:14 pmDear coffee auntie,
I need some help trying to assert my will as a woman on the world at large, kind of like a modern day megalomaniac or a Russian Czar. Will replacing the world’s water supply with Glen help with this endeavor?
Sincerely,
October 18th, 2006 at 3:02 pmWorld Emperess in Training